It's like I forgot that learning is all about asking questions.
The first half of the summer was fuzzy. I was on auto pilot, coasting to where I thought was the next place, but weeks came and went and I never got there.
Asking questions and seeking answers is what leveled the ground and got me moving forward. I've learned to just be honest with myself and with the Lord and not try to cover anything up. There have been multiple times over the past couple weeks where I've written out gross prayers that are completely honest about my sin and my feelings and I've ripped them up because they're that disgusting. I've had to get past being repulsed by myself and be honest and naked before the Lord. Through that honesty, I've started to follow Him again. The fuzziness is clearing up and I'm finding places to put my feet. I've found that when I seek the answers to questions, I move forward, even if it's just baby steps.
It started when I was challenged to answer the questions that I thought I knew the answers to, but I wasn't sure. So I dug around in Scripture and found the answer.
The digging was addicting. The deeper I got, the more questions I had.
I finally started asking myself questions that had been nagging me for years.
For years, I've had this fear that God is always mad at me or disappointed in the fact that I can't stop sinning. I've lived in fear of the last straw, of committing the same sin one too many times and God giving up on me. I feared the day His mercy would run out and He'd unleash His fury and wrath all over me because I'm a hopeless sinner.
But the more I'm honest with myself, the clearer I can see. This doesn't sound like the Gospel at all. It sounds like a bunch of lies.
I was stuck in this cycle of sin and fear and couldn't get out because I was believing untrue things. I was believing that God's mercy had a stopping point, not that His mercies are new every morning. I was believing that I'm pleasing to God based on my actions, not that He is already pleased with me because of Jesus. I was believing that God is a God of anger and punishment, not a God of love and forgiveness, a God who is slow to anger and rich in mercy.
I had forgotten that the wrath of God was satisfied on the cross.
I'm still learning about His character and realizing I don't know Him nearly much as I want to. But I've tried to be in charge of our relationship for too long, and it's time for Him to take over. I'm learning how to submit to his leading and follow Him. I'm really slow and timid right now, but I think I'll get better at it. The more I know Him and trust Him, the easier it will be to follow. And gosh, how I want to follow.