Because people know fake when they see it

Here's the deal. People know fake when they see it. 

I know I do. I particularly know fake when I see it in me. 

A few weeks ago, one of my favorite writers (and inspiration for all things) wrote a blog. It was one of those blogs that circulated among all my ammateur-writer-friends, one of those blogs we talked about for weeks. I'm pretty sure I sent a screenshot and link to ten of my friends with a command to READ THIS. 

The title made me laugh and cringe.

"You can't be all the things" 

Sigh. This is a phrase my friends and I use a lot. We laugh and say we want to be all the things, dream all the dreams, do all the deeds. But then this blog happened and I started to rethink some things. 

I really can't be all the things.

the list of things

I meet with a friend of mine each week, Hailey. Hailey is a beautiful soul that weighs her words carefully, shows her realness in a gentle way, and isn't particularly fond of self-reflection or coffee. Hailey is good at probing questions-- the kind of questions that make you feel known but not intruded upon. She often asks me what the top 4 things on my mind are, or what I'm diligently praying for, or what truth I'm believing that day. 

This week she challenged us to make a list of all the things we try to be/think we can be, but can't. I put off making this list for a while because I knew it would be long and kind of icky. I put it off the entire week, actually. It wasn't until an hour before our meeting that I finally sat down and wrote out the painfully honest truth. Over two pages later, I had proof that, deep down, I desire to be all the things. I packed up my journal, sent the "on my way" text, and headed to our spot in Cups. 

It was pretty crowded actually, great environment for cursory conversations and the formidable fear that someone is overhearing you. But we met anyway. We pulled out our lists, hunched over our hot tea, and practically whispered across the table the lies of who we try to be:

One who is a good writer. The best, original, famous, admired. 

One who constantly pours out and can be there for everyone. 

One who feels God all the time. 

One who is fearless

One who doesn't struggle with temptation, because the frequency I cave beneath it reveals my weakness. 

Right there, right at our sunflower table I realized not only can I not be all the things, I can only be one thing: me. 

I can't be Hannah, or Shauna, or Flannery. I am me, and I do me.  It'd be a disastrous failure to try and be someone I'm not because people know fake when they see it.

I used to think that to be was to do and to feel, but that's not quite so. Doing and feeling are good and necessary things. They make up our humanness and aspects of who we are, but they are not our identity. 

The one thing that I can be comes from One God who created me. He created my inmost being. He created me to be, regardless of feeling and doing and knowing. I pray that my feelings, doings, and knowings flow out of who am created to be, but first I must know my identity laid out in Scripture and written by the Holy Spirit on my heart.

There is a being the Lord created intricately and knows already. When she presses into Him, she becomes more herself. 

So now I'm not praying for feelings or fame, I'm praying simply to be.

I'm praying to be what's true and walk away from the darkness of lies. I'm praying for brilliant words to fall out of my head or enough discipline to learn how. I'm praying to be a good writer because I still want to be a writer and that's okay, but I'm also praying that my desires line up with His. I'm praying for the ability to confess and put myself in the light even when I feel dirtier than ever. 

I'm not praying to be all the things, but to be one thing--a thing that can only be done by one girl and her God. I'm praying to be me. 

I'm praying to be real, because people know fake when they see it, and so do I.